How-To Fail Miserably in Business on the Net - in Seven
Easy Lessons Starting Today!
Do you know how much easier it is to learn the right way
to do things if at first you see the wrong way? Think about
it. Think about everything you ever learned by trial and
error from the first time you fell off you bike onwards.
Well, I'm going to show you how to apply this learning
principle to your online efforts in seven easy lessons, no
risk. And believe me, I'm an expert!
1. Don't get your own domain
Why would you want to invest a measly $35 (max) in your
business annually on some name? You know who you are,
right? You have no trouble believing that several hundred
gazillion Internet strangers in almost as many countries
will trust you - if they find you - even without a
reputable brand and ID.
Fine, go get yourself one of those l-o-n-g URLs at a free
website that takes at least as long to load as it does to
remember. Better still go get one of those self-replicated,
absolutely identical, clone "programs" with a FREE website.
Write me when you get it to the top of the search engine
listings. No, I cant wait that long, write me when you get
it listed on the search engines at all. I expect my mailbox
won't be overflowing.
2. Don't have any original products to sell
You're OK with that business-in-a-box (for people in boxes,
I guess?) that only requires you to give things away. It
only cost you $69.95 to get in, so there's no risk. No
selling, anyone can do this ... You'll earn $689,000,075
daily (give or take $689 million). On WHAT exactly, may I
ask?
While you're at it, just get a heap of affiliate banners,
throw them on a page, invite two friends to visit and
they're gonna buy stuff. Don't sell anything you know
about, don't use the products and services yourself and
above all make sure there is no information, explanation,
testimonials or even text anywhere to be found on your
site.
Don't be fooled by the "experts" who tell you that the only
way to make any real money is to have something that's 100%
yours (your profit), can be delivered online and is not
only wanted by your carefully chosen market, but actually
useful.
3. Don't publish a newsletter
See lesson 6 if you MUST do email marketing. Everyone, well
both of them who found you by accident, maybe they were the
two friends? Is gonna buy, buy, buy, the moment they hit
your website and read your carefully written information
about your products and services that tells them what's in
it for them. Oh, no I told you that you don't need it. How
silly of me.
Don't think that you have to prove yourself to be an expert
in your field: don't think that the least it does is keep
reminding folks to come back and that you didn't
fly-by-night. You'll never need to ask people to recommend
you to their friends or put your offers in front of them
many times before they'll be comfortable to buy from you.
Forget marketing rules.
4. Submit your site to 100,000,000 places daily
You've got masses of time on your hands right? So you can
afford to spend it all, wildly submitting your site
everywhere to 9 million search engines and 99 gazillion
free links pages.
Throw enough $*** and it will stick, won't it? It'll stink
too! When did you last look for something on the 9
millionth search engine? When did you trawl around links
pages looking for a good deal? Do you think you're the only
one who doesn't?
Don't let anyone tell you that the search engines will
penalize you for over submitting or for linking to pages
not designed for human beings (yes, they can tell the
difference). I'm not exactly sure how the technology works
to get you a negative listing.
5. Advertise, don't advertise
Advertise your standard off-the-peg, tried-and-tested
advert that came with the "program", complete with your
long URL with your little number on the end, everywhere,
anywhere.
Don't worry about it being ignored because it's the same as
everyone else's that appears right next to it day in, day
out. Don't worry about cheaters knocking your little
numbers off and doing you out of your 75 cent commission
and most of all don't offer your goods in exactly the right
market.
Where is that, I wonder? You'll never need to know.
When you do find a good, well-written, original, benefit
packed and correctly formatted ad, only ever use it once.
That will be enough for the whole world to see it and make
you rich.
6. Send spam
Lots of it! This is great, and does double-duty instead of
informative newsletters or pesky advertising. Buy specially
cleaned lists of "safe" names and addresses of people who
are just eager to receive "information on great
money-making opportunities". It's a little vague, but these
people obviously know what their avid, carefully harvested
readers want and a good deal when they see it.
You really won't upset your ISP every time you send out
those 2 million emails and have 3 million of them bounce
back at you clogging up their mail server. So long as you
say this is not spam, it isn't, right? They'll forgive you
and even give you a fair trial, won't they?
And reputations are dead easy to get, aren't they?
7. Forget people, this is technobabble time
Now pay attention here, this is the most important lesson.
This is the Internet folks. Let's see how it works ...
There's all these computers connected to all these
computers all around the world and all you have to do is
send all of these computers lots of identical messages back
and forth - this is called Internet Marketing - and lots of
money will magically arrive into your bank account.
There are no humans involved. You don't have to talk to
them, inform them, woo them, care about finding solutions
to their problems, know who they are and what they want ...
The rules of human nature, as well as those of business,
are totally different in cyber-paradise than they are in
the real world. The Internet is not the real world.
Congratulations! You've now completed the entire course
and graduated from the Internet's First School of Failure.
Read back between the lines and I'm sure you'll find the
path to success.
(This story was entirely fictional, all resemblance to real
people, either living or dead, any offers, services,
products or vague "programs" is entirely coincidental.)
